Stress management: Reducing stress by being assertive

How can you be more assertive?

To be more assertive, you focus on what you say and how you say it. You can plan and practice how to be more assertive using the assertiveness ladder. You can use the assertiveness ladder at home or at work. Use the letters of the word "LADDER" to recall the steps.

• L:Look at your rights, what you want, and what you need. Define what you want, and keep it in mind during your discussion.
• A:Arrange a time and place to discuss the situation. You can skip this step if the situation isn't planned, such as when you receive the wrong food at a restaurant.
• D:Define the problem for the other person. Don't assume the other person already knows about the problem.
• D:Describe your feelings using "I" statements. An "I" statement tells how you feel without blaming someone else. For example, try saying "I'm feeling frustrated," instead of "You frustrate me."
• E:Express what you want or need. Be specific, brief, and firm. For example, instead of asking your husband to be "more considerate," ask him to call if he'll be more than 15 minutes late.
• R:Reinforce the idea of getting what you want. Show the other person how your request might be good for both of you.

How to use the assertiveness ladder:

1. Write out a plan, with one or two sentences for each step on the "ladder."
2. Practice your step-by-step plan alone, and get comfortable with it. You may find that it's easier to write your plan than to practice it out loud. But you'll do better in the real situation if you've heard yourself make these statements before.
3. Put your plan into action in the real situation. Don't worry about all the details. Just keep the main points in mind.¹

Using assertive body language

Body language is the way you sit or stand, move, and use your eyes and hands when you speak. Sometimes when you think you're speaking assertively, your body is sending a different message. That message can get in the way of what you are trying to say. Using the right body language helps you communicate more assertively. Try these five tips:

1. Make eye contact with the person you're talking to. Try to keep your facial expression open and sincere.
2. Sit or stand up tall with a straight back. Speak clearly and firmly.
3. Use your hands and facial expressions to highlight your most important points.
4. Try not to sound as if you're asking a question when you're not.
5. Don't use an apologetic tone of voice.

You'll be more comfortable if you practice these rules in front of a mirror. When you practice, you can also hear your tone of voice.

Test Your Knowledge

1. One of the steps of the assertiveness ladder is to describe my feelings using "you" statements.
1. True.
   

   The answer is incorrect

   One of the steps of the assertiveness ladder is to describe your feelings using "I" statements. An "I" statement tells how you feel without blaming someone else. For example, try saying "I'm feeling frustrated" instead of "You frustrate me."

   
2. False.
   

   The answer is correct

   One of the steps of the assertiveness ladder is to describe your feelings using "I" statements. An "I" statement tells how you feel without blaming someone else. For example, try saying "I'm feeling frustrated" instead of "You frustrate me."

   
2. I'll do my best in the real situation if I don't get too comfortable with my plan. It's better to be fresh and unrehearsed.
1. True.
   

   The answer is incorrect

   Actually, you'll do better in the real situation if you've heard yourself make these statements before. That's why it's a good idea to get comfortable with your plan and practice it alone and out loud.

   
2. False.
   

   The answer is correct

   You'll do better in the real situation if you have heard yourself make your assertive statements before. That's why it's a good idea to get comfortable with your plan and practice it alone and out loud.

   
3. The way I "speak" with my body can help me communicate assertively. One of the ways I can show assertive body language is to make eye contact with the person I'm talking to.
1. True.
   

   The answer is correct

   Body language is the way you sit or stand, move, and use your eyes and hands when you speak. One of the ways you can show assertive body language is to make eye contact with the person you're talking to.

   
2. False.
   

   The answer is incorrect

   Body language is the way you sit or stand, move, and use your eyes and hands when you speak. One of the ways you can show assertive body language is to make eye contact with the person you're talking to.

   

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